But I still work with clients who put their Lifey-Life stuff over there, and their Worky-work stuff over here.

Of course they KNOW one affects the other, but there still seems to be a big barbed compartmentalizing-wired fence between the two.

I have always sucked at compartmentalizing, and I used to feel like a weak victim of my emotional life because when something was going down in my personal life I couldn’t keep the mood out of my professional life. Of course, we’ve all leaned on things like jobs as anchors and levelers when other sh*t is kicking our emotional arses from here to kingdom come.

The point being–back to integration and whole systems–is, when you look at your life as a whole, you may have more luck finding deep satisfaction in playing all the parts with each other, instead of against each other. And feel like you have more choice, more room to move, more possiblities.

I was in a chronic head banging situation for years because I wanted to find that one thing and drive it home for decades to come. Which wasn’t me. I do a few different things for work, just as I like to swim various strokes, and do various sports and read various types of books. How about you? Have you ever wrestled with goals that just weren’t YOU? (But sounded like nice, easy ones to have?)

Here’s a little something mind-sparking on the topic, from David Whyte’s The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship:

“In many ways, work must be a marriage; otherwise, why would we put up with so much over the years? We must have made hidden vows somewhere to follow something larger than the difficulties of the everyday.”

I love the hidden vows part. It’s like busting the mystery of the stuggle — it’s there, god knows why but let’s make it glorious and give in to the current of … OUR PERSONAL wonderful struggle.

So here’s the thought, question, adventure of the mind for you:

What if work and life aren’t separate things that need to be compartmentalized but INSTEAD are part of an ongoing conversation that shapes our identity through time?
What if work is another higher marriage, a commitment to ourselves in how we express ourselves in whatever falls under the umbrella of “life’s work”?
How do we express our true selves in the daily life tasks of our work and jobs?

PS: I do use the words “career” and “job” and “profession” — usually when I’m talking to others because I do value connection and communication.

But in my personal world, it’s called my Life’s Work, — and that word Work is broad and encompassing and ever-changing. It’s what I do day-in, day-out. Some for money, some of it not. It’s important to have the right percentage of paying work though, we’re not martyrs here!

What is the engine of ambition? Why are some of us so much more driven then others? How do you know if it’s positively or negatively charged?

And what happens when you lose it?

In my late Thirties I felt like I lost my old hungry professional ambitions.

I was also in grad school, but something else was happening.

My ambitions were changing.

What really mattered to me was more in the spirit of relationships, and the outward exchange of my inner betterment with the outside world. I suppose some might call it personal growth. I was also writing a lot of poetry, and I was ambitious in the area of sonnets. It brought some fun collaborations but in the more Alpha world, where did that leave me?

So I’ve come to look at Ambition as a guide. It can give me information, as in: Hmm, this seems to be calling at me, what’s it asking of me, where could I go with this, does this fit in with my values?

And I also can sense when I’m in one of those liminal spaces of initiation and transformation: My Ambitions are in a bit of a fade-out which unnerves me but also allows me to give up some old ways and habits that don’t serve me anymore and evolve into a New, Improved (!!) version of myself (I almost wrote “product”).

If any of this rings a bell with you, here’s a question to ask yourself:

How can you harness all your delicious curiosity, and explore this passage of time as though you’re your own private eye,  and see what you discover?

Write, draw, read, pay attention to images and people who show up and see how they may be wagging their fingers at you to walk in a new direction.

Will it be scarey? Perhaps.

Will it be worth it?

ABSO-FRICKIN-LUTELY.

Evolve, babies, evolve, that’s what we’re here for. And enjoy the process.

XO

Kids, like my niece, Taya, can tap into states of happiness so naturally.

Happiness is everywhere.

Is that stressing you out?

In the last ten years there has been a stream of books and cultural awareness on the topic of Happiness, why we have it, why we don’t and what makes people generally happy (connections seems to be an important one).

And as Americans, it’s our god-given right to be in pursuit of it. And how dare we NOT be happy. Well many of us are becoming more comfy confessing to non-happy states of being.

The point being–whether you scoff at the idea of happiness, feel like you’re in constant pursuit of it, “Happiness” is not going away.

And so, I propose this:

Define what Happiness means to you.

One of the best definitions of happiness I’ve heard goes something like this: “Being at peace with yourself among people in the world.”

Maybe the “at peace” was really “content”–either way, that was broad and human enough for me to go Sign Me Up!

Here’s a book about one writer’s year-long experiment with daily life practices to up her happiness:

The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin.

I like it because it’s filled with practical, real-world anecdotes, and anchors itself in a philosophy that Happiness isn’t something you passively wait for to float out of the clouds once you achieve a state of grace. Happiness, Rubin asserts and shows us, comes from intentional daily life efforts.

I have often defined happiness as a gaseous by-product, like a steaming lake on a cold morning, of gratitude. However, I like the idea of creating a more constant definition of happiness for oneself, rather than a fits-and-starts one.

At any rate–some food for happiness thoughts. And remember, we all have a right to our blue times because life, let’s face it, can be a bitch at times. Don’t fight it. The hero’s journey teaches us that that the deep dark times are rich and fruitful–and what goes down also comes up!

And Happiness, however you define it, will be waiting for you when you’re good and ready!

XO
Tatyana

What if you invested shorter bursts of time to feel like YAHOO this?

“Well it’s better than nothing …”

And sometimes, that little bit of something is better than nothing. Maybe that hateful slog of a slo-mo run is better than nothing; maybe showing up to your office and just getting through the g-d day is better than nothing. Maybe a fast, careless creative session of writing or drawing is better than nothing. Maybe a quick conversation with your teen is better than nothing.

But is it true? Let’s say you’re having a low mojo day like I am today. Isn’t it easy to say, especially on a Monday, “As long as I show up and just get through this godforsaken day I’m a star!”

Well screw that, I say. I want to go to bed feeling like I at least did something well. And by “well” I mean, I made an effort to do something that makes me feel accomplished at the end of the day, especially something I want to put off, like: this blog post, or concentrating for a good hour with all my attention on a pain-in-the-ass work project, or getting outside for a brisk half hour walk.

I don’t know about you but I may have used up about all the half-assed days I want to. (OK, I know there will be more but I’m willing to keep them to a minimum.)

Here’s another (sports) example of doing something small with a big effort:

Last month I bailed on my longer sloggier runs for a two-mile run at the track. I would NEVER have done something like this, ordinarily. And I wasn’t really in a running mood, either. So I turned on RunTracker on my iPhone so I could get a virtual coach telling me how fast I was going for some inspiration.

I ran those two miles. And I ran them, fast– faster than I ever thought I could run. It was exhilarating! My body felt alive and proud of itself, my mind felt alert, my spirit was humming. Compared to those 4-6 mile joyless slogs, this was by far a better use of time. My body felt good the next day too. My chiro told me it was because running fast puts your body in a good position, rather than being slow and sloggy, where you have bad form, bad posture and stress the body. Interesting, eh?

And now, when I am having a low-mojo Monday, I ask myself:

Where can I have a two-mile burst of greatness?

So my invitation to you:

How can you do Something that is so much better than Nothing, that it shows you what you’re made of?

Have fun!

I was at the eye doctor.

I was shuttled from one waiting room to another between various eye-check pit stops.

I had been there for two hours. I was losing two hours’ worth of pay. I was pacing the room. I was pissed. I was practicing the dialogue I wanted to say to SOMEONE about how rude it is of doctors to disrespect people’s time, do they not think our time is valuable too? How about paying me for the time I’ve wasted in your goddamn waiting rooms, etc etc.
Sound familiar?

And then, in swooped some little angle of mercy of sorts, a voice that said: What if, instead of greeting whoever walks in here next with a force of fury, you greet her with excitement. Because that’s true too. I would be extremely happy and excited to see her.

I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to let my sulk and frustration be known. But I was game to try something new. I needed a lift as well.

The woman walked in and I jumped up and down and clapped my hands (a move I borrowed from the movie The Triplets of Belleville), and squealed with delight how excited I was to see her.

We had a wonderful interaction and a few laughs. Later on, someone apologized to me and I saw how she was struggling through her day. I told her to have a WONDERFUL day and left the doctor’s office with love and lightness in my heart.

Just because instead of getting mad, I did something different.

I share this with you just because something like this might work for you.  I am not that great of a sport. I am not that forgiving, but I’d rather be happy than right. In that quest, I’m willing to try new things.

How about you?

Happy May and sunny days, inside and out.

Creative girls trying on their rock star voices.

… NOT being creative.

In other words, why is it that  creatively ambitious and productive behavior is considered out of the ordinary, while settling for uncreative thinking and activity is considered the norm — acceptable even?

My theory that I proselytize over and over is: If you’re human, your innate calling is to express yourself creatively in some way and when you’re not, you suffer. We all suffer. It’s just that “being creative” is attributed to a small kitty of people in our communities.

Good news: creativity is being increasingly heralded as the greatest attribute in businesses and teams and among leaders. Bad news: in times of hardship and recessions (like now), creativity gets thrown in the backseat while we fumble to survive.  Stress and creativity do not support each other well.

So how do you most want to express yourself? The answers to this question might be the starting point to get you thinking, acting, feeling more creative. It could be the fruitful question that gets you moving away from repressed stress and toward a freer way of moving in the world that feels like YOU. And THAT is creativity.

This post was inspired by a quote by the psychologist Abraham Maslow:

The key question isn’t “What fosters

creativity?” but it is why in God’s name isn’t

everyone creative? Where was the human

potential lost? How was it crippled? I think

therefore a good question might be not why do

people create? But why do people not create or

innovate? We have got to abandon that sense of

amazement in the face of creativity, as if it were

a miracle if anybody created anything.

—Abraham Maslow

"What would Mandela do?" Not what I want to do, that's for sure.

Nelson Mandela has saved my ass a couple times this past week.

Here’s what happened. I watched the movie Invictus recently. The movie tells the story of how Mandela brought South African together around a rugby game after he was released from jail and became president of a divided country.

It’s an amazing story of a true humanitarian and spiritual leader: inspiring and profound. Here’s a man who was somehow able to come away from a 30-year imprisonment, and embody a Jesus-like forgiveness, hold steadfast to a vision for his country and step into a compassionate leadership role that focused on moving everyone forward. He was able to free himself from resentment, stories of unfairness and cruelty and have love in his heart. He thought communally, rather than individually.

At one point in the movie, Mandela (played by Morgan Freeman) says to the captain of the losing rugby team (Matt Damon) somthing like “Forgiveness frees the heart. Then you can live without fear.”

Who on earth doesn’t want any of that?

I am not always such a person. However, I have a good imagination and well-meaning intentions So, here’s what I did with my Mandela mentorship, and please, feel free to play along.

A few times the following week I faced some interpersonal challenges around the same-ol-same-ol button-pushing junk we all face around issues of ego, attention, security, etc. 

In a moment of feeling irritated and let down by someone I asked myself, “What would Mandela do?”

Can I tell you HOW CLEARLY THAT QUESTION PUT THIS TINY NONSENSE OF A NON-SITUATION INTO PERSPECTIVE? He would have moved on through and transcended my issues so fast it made my head spin. SNAP, the issue didn’t exist. I’ve never felt so free so fast over a quibble in my life. Thanks Mandela!

I am not an advocate of “snap out of it” admonishments. I think feelings come up for a reason and provide the opportunity to sublimate in a number of glorious ways. But when you’re not sublimating and you’re stuck — and you feel silly or embarrassed or tired of these feelings, why not find ways to release them?

So, in comes the Spiritual Mentor — the Other. Back to the movie, Invictus: Mandela tells the rugby captain how he looked for strength and guidance outside of himself to help get through his prison sentence. The title of the movie is the name of a poem he recited during that time (included at the bottom of this post). So the poem was a spiritual mentor.

Spiritual mentors come in all shapes, sizes and voices. Some years ago Lou Reed was my spiritual mentor. When I was having difficulties with a family member, he told me, “What are you, a child, grow the fuck up!” It was just the kind of tough love I needed.

Now, it’s a different voice, but I’ve internalized the wisdom of Lou, and that stays with me.

So, who can you turn to as a spiritual mentor?

Thanks Mandela!

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Years ago, a journalist friend of mine told me she phrased it this way: “I write.” I  liked that. Because at that particular time in my life, even though I was writing for a living, I wasn’t sure if I felt comfortable saying, “I’m a writer.” This discomfort probably came from the simple fact that writing was more of a verb, something I did that, along with a variety of activities and interests, all made up the story of who I am. Years later, I still feel the same but claim the Writer title a bit more easily.

But really, I think claiming the writer is an individual right. You want it? You do it? Claim it how you wish!

Just to illustrate the humor around this topic, here’s one of my favorite stories about Being a Writer.

The Story

Several years ago I was giving a writer’s workshop. During introductions we went around the table and everyone said something about his/her writing practice and identity. Intro after intro people said things like: ”I haven’t been writing the way I should, I can’t seem to find time,” basically stories of writers not writing, but each person thought of themself as a Writer, even if a Writer who lost his way. Which happens, of course. 

The last woman to introduce herself was in her late sixties and said:

“I write everyday. But I’m not a writer.”

So, who’s to say?

NOyesNOyesNO

Some days my heart is filled with “I don’t want to.”

It often starts at 5:10 a.m. when my alarm goes off for swimming. Most days I am able to talk myself out of the first gasp of Noooooo and get my ass out of bed and to the pool, telling myself, “Of course you’re unhappy now but you’ll be fine in about ten minutes.” And 90% of the time, it’s true. 

It seems for many of us, the trick of life is facing down the No’s, or at least holding them while going through the actions to the Yes. This includes moods. Sometimes I’m not in a great mood, but if I act friendly and positive and generous to people I’m around, pretty soon I feel A-OK (or at least better).

Lately I’ve been in a big I-Don’t-Want-To mood. The upside is, I’m doing more of the things I really love to do (seeing the friends I want to see rather than filling time up by networking and doing other “shoulds”).

The trick with the “I Don’t Want To’s” is knowing when it’s just an agitated inner child and to just smile through it, and when it’s time to really Not Do It.

Like everything in life, that knowing is a finely honed skill.

Do you know when to listen to your “I don’t want to” vs moving through the initial resistance with tenderness and patience?

Sometimes I do, sometimes it takes a while to come around.

When my niece was three, she had four favorite words:

“I no want to!”

So honest, so human. I feel those words some days, I really do. Some days I even say them out loud.

• Pushing yourself to grow, take risks, try something new and brave and seemingly cool and oh-so you, really you?
• Pushing yourself so far out of the comfort zone of your natural strengths that you’re entering  a full-blown state of chronic misery and anxiety?

Not everyone lives like this, but sometimes it’s easy to confuse a healthy challenge with an unnatural one that drains all your enthusiasm. Some of us call it “making lives just a wee harder than it needs to be.” Others might call it “getting lost on the wrong path” or “barking up the wrong tree.”  It could be a simple case of: Trying this, not liking it, time to take a right turn and fast.

What are signs that your challenge is perhaps one to reconsider? How do you know when a state of discomfort is just you blowing through some old cycles and on to new pastures and to just keep going?

Sometimes it’s trial and error. But here are a few signs that might signal that you’re making yourself walk the plank and it’s time to come back to home base.

• You feel anxietous even when you picture the arrival zone at the end of some short-term challenges.
• You’ve lost all motivation and inspiration, even after a holiday, even after a restful weekend, even after [insert whatever here makes your sails flutter].
• You’re starting to feel depressed, melancholic, unsociable.
• You wonder why you’re not more excited about creating this new venture for yourself.
• When you think of some alternate paths to the one you’re on, something in you screams, That one! Yes! Over there!
• Something in you wants to raise the white flag.
• When you look at the highlights of the last ten years, they in no way match up to what you’re doing. So, if you’re trying to adjust to life as a farmer when you love the honking noise of a city and the smell of exhaust, you’re probably swimming upstream.
• When you spend most of your days — consecutively — dreaming of going to bed at night.
• When people post “I love my life” statuses on Facebook and Twitter your automatic response is something along the lines of “F you.”

It’s great to strive and have ambitions and want to take chances and risks and use a recession for a new opportunity. But if it makes you miserable stop and ask yourself: What am I really good at? What situations do I thrive in? What did I love to do as a kid? The answers are there, just be open for them.

And here’s to pursing the right kind of challenges, where you use your strengths and natural gifts and go with the flow of your joyful life. It’s not failure to “quit” and take a new turn. Success is knowing when to get out and on to the next best thing.

Go for it!

xo